. . . and then there was pickle.

YEAH !!!!!

It’s my fiftieth post – Yeah!!!!

And it’s a loo loo.

On vacation The Pickle was submerged in Sunscreen, Surf, and Swimming Pool. For those of you who were not aware: infant girls do, in fact, have vaginas - and they are apparently not yet as completely Ph balanced as a pool.

Several days after our return I noticed a certain redness and swelling in her nether-regions if you will. Upon closer inspection I discerned that there was what I determined to either be a caked on residual collection of Butt-Paste (truly mis-named at this moment) or the white trade-mark trail of my daughter’s first yeast infection.

Yeah!!!

The on-call nurse recommended a wipe-out of the afore mentioned ‘Hoo-Ha’ with a moist wash cloth and the suspension of all wet-wipe and butt-paste usage. In two days the redness and swelling had disappeared.

Last night The Pickle had a fairly rough night of . . . not sleeping. It was obvious that she was uncomfortable. I thought it was the Icelandic conditions that my wife had created with an over-ambitious air-conditioning attack on our recent heat wave, but low and behold that was not the cause.

She finally went to sleep at about 8:30 am and slept until 12:30ish. I was fairly certain that by then she had made a run at her diaper, and I went for the change as soon as she awoke.


Have you ever seen something that makes you uncontrollably utter the words, ". . oh my god. . . "?

The diaper was filled with a unique green ooze that had apparently come from my daughter’s cooter. My suspicion was confirmed when I went to lift her legs over her head to wipe her off . . . it was like popping a zit.

Picture the biggest white-head you’ve ever had - not a gusher, a slow oozer. Yellow and pasty.

Not to mention we were all, wife in tow, soon at the pediatrician’s office.

They were kind enough to swab the diaper, which I brought with me – perhaps some day to end up in a medical museum of some grotesque nature.

But the bad news was that they needed to catheterize the poor little girl to get a clean sample of her urine to rule out the possibility of a urinary tract infection as the cause of her symptoms.

No Good.

I had to hold her down as the nurse rammed a plastic tube up into her bladder. This has not been my favorite day of parenthood.

The good news is that it is most likely an external issue caused by exposure to chlorine, salt water, and sunscreen – we have our ointment, instructions and humility in tact as we face the horror that has become my daughter’s privates.

Yeah!!!

Pickle’s Papa

To continue the parade of internet thievery. . .


The bolded items are the things I done. The non-bolded items are the things I haven't done.


01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (it was closed the day I was there)
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states (currently at 33)
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music.
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (in progress)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident (suicide attempt) that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (in conjunction with numbers 29 and 88)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

Feel free to rip this off and post it yourself . . . I did.

p.s. - I have come to the conclusion that at some point a computer geek of the highest order got ahold of this list and made certain additions to validate their existence. See #'s 39, 71, 140, 143. I would have deleted them, but I just dont have the same time to renumber the list that they appearantly did.

As most of you know – we just got back from a week on Hilton Head Island in South Carolina. To get there we flew into Atlanta (to meet up with The Wife’s sister and hubby) and drove from there to Hilton Head (4+ hrs).

I had had severe concerns about taking The Pickle on this trip due to the travel, but as it turns out - she handled it all much better than I did.

Overall we had an outstanding trip, but for any of you considering the possibility of imprisoning six adults and one infant under one roof for “family fun” - I sincerely recommend rethinking your plans.

Humans are funny. It seems, despite our best intentions, we all seem to have things called ‘needs’. Surprisingly six people rarely have the same needs at the same times.

This is something that became more and more obvious as time went on, and eventually led to me locking myself in our room for the last day and a half just trying to keep from having an overt conflict of interest that I know would have damaged my already perilous relationship with my in-laws. By the end of the vacation, I was perceived to be an anti-social jerk rather than the ass-hole I would have inevitably been seen as had I remained in contact with my in-laws for all of the required social activities.



I know that it is a very good thing that my daughter has the opportunity to have a relationship with her grandparents, and that they are so passionate about having that relationship with her. I just wonder if perhaps this relationship could occur without psychologically damaging yours truly.

We do all try to get along. We just refuse to compromise. So despite good will and fair intent we always end up in a bitter battle of will.

I know that my mother-in-law (MIL) is not going to change – just as I have no intention of change. The challenge that showed it’s ugly head on this vacation is how we can remain true to ourselves without it putting The Pickle in the middle (that’s funny).

I have no desire to use my daughter as a tool of manipulation toward my in-laws. I am neither that cruel or cold, but on this vacation I found that my desire to be with my daughter, and to not do what my MIL was doing - inevitably created situations where either plans were changed or resentment was felt because of control issues with the child.

I don’t feel good about this.

As much as they grate on me, and I at times would prefer a parallel universe where I didn’t have to take their opinions into consideration – I will not stand between them and The Pickle.

I think that that is what got to me the most on this trip. Normally I would have had the argument, but for once I was aware of the fact that I am the intermediary between these people, and that my opinion and ego are less important than their relationship.

This is a new idea for me, and I wasn’t even fully aware of why I was feeling so lousy until well after the fact. What changed things for me was The Wife explaining a misconception that my in-laws had - regarding my big avoidance.

On the last night of our stay my MIL had offered to baby-sit and pay for dinner at a very nice restaurant the four ‘kids’ (Me, Wife, SIL, BIL). By the time that afternoon had rolled around I was already DONE with the MIL. I had reached the point where I was incapable of accepting anything else from her.

It is such a fine line between gracious host and entitled bitch, and the MIL usually falls on the latter side of that fence. There was no way I was going to have her baby-sit and pay for dinner. I think I was afraid that when we returned she would have constructed a make-shift cross in the living room of the condo for her final martyrdom.

Because I decided to not have the confrontation regarding the issue, my in-laws perceived my refusal of dinner to be a reflection on my trust of their ability to baby-sit.

Yeah.

Therein lies the guilt, and the pickle in the middle.

So how do you fix this one? I don’t know, but I have a feeling that it will eventually lead to that dreaded and most difficult of all words . . . Compromise.

Pickle’s Papa