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09/29/2006
I'm back
My show is now up and running. I am back to being at home on a regular basis, and will now return to my self-indulgent semi-poignant ramblings.
We made it through this stint without actually having to take The Pickle to day-care, and although it has been a significant strain on the relationship with the MIL, the wife's stability at work, and the overall cleanliness of the house - it looks like we are going to avoid and early entry into snot-fest '06.
It's not even that I didn't think that day-care would not have significant positive effects or that it wasn't a really solid place for infant care, it's just that I don’t trust anyone with my baby.
I know that no one has the same instincts or understanding of The Pickle's needs and routine. That's not a judgment on anyone. It is a fact. I just have trouble accepting that her comfort has to be sacrificed to enable other people to have time with her.
I know there's more to it than that, but it is often my first reaction when I see people making what I generally refer to as 'rookie' mistakes. I need to let other people learn about The Pickle to make it possible for them to give the proper care to her.
How to get experience without a job, and how to get a job without experience, or in this case how to get experienced childcare without working your child over.
I know that this is just the beginning. Someday I am going to be expected to stand in an aisle and hand her off like a lace wrapped football to some Joe Shmoe who wants a tax-break and regular sex from her.
It's just such an awkward process. It is my job to prepare my child to eventually care for and provide for herself. Yet at this moment it is solely my job to protect, provide, and care for her. The question is: when does that transition begin? When do we start sacrificing our child's comfort for their development?
I think the answer is birth. I just don’t like it very much.
I don’t want anything to hurt her. I don’t want her to have one moment of discomfort more than inevitable. But Inevitable is a funny word. Inevitable. Inevitable.
She just had her first real cold.
I have learned from personal experience that cold medicines don’t heal you - they just cover up the symptoms. I have twice ended up with pneumonia in my life due to my body being so filled with cold medicines it no longer knew it was sick and decided to stop fighting. My brother has a house full of kids that have been pumped full of antibiotics from the time they were hours old that they have never bothered to develop immune systems and are constantly sick.
Over the last three days I have fought through crying, snot, sleeplessness, and coughing to let my daughter's body learn how to fight a cold.
I need to learn to do the same thing with her being as I have done with her body. But it is not easy.
Pickle’s Papa
15:27 Posted in Pickle Ponderings | Permalink | Comments (3) | Email this
09/26/2006
ok. I'll post.
As per Mad Momma . . . I must post.
Some random thoughts.
My daughter is standing on her own in the crib . . . and the house is still not baby proof.
To my family: something I learned in grad school. In managing relationships it is ok to set high expectations; however, when you place a hoop to jump through - don't move it after the expectations have been met. It tends to create a disgruntled work force.
To my production: set designers should be taken out into the street and slaughtered like cattle.
To my administrative position: I dont type.
To my wife: Talk to your mother.
To myself: Get over it.
In general:
I like rediscovering friendship. I recently had an unexpected solo camping trip in which I was surprisingly paired up with an old friend, the bird trainer whom I once shared a stage with, and that I spent the summer's free time rebuilding my '76 280Z. His wife was a cop, mine was finishing law school - we had our futures together as kept men, and then he moved out into the country and vanished.
As I was facing the perils of a weekend alone in the woods I looked over to my right in line at the campsite check-in, and low and behold stood an actual friend.
I will skip the dirty details of how I ended up in this perdicament for my therapist, but needless to say - it was a good thing I was rescued by someone that was interested in my story and having me tag along on the day long canoeing excursion that I was going to do by myself anyway.
Brandon now has a son, 15 months old, and we had much to commiserate on. It turned out to be a great trip for completely different reasons than those originally planned.
But needless to say I hate my family more than words can express. Every fucking one of them except my father - whom everyone else says is crazy, and I am starting to think is the only sane one of the bunch . . . yes, you too mom.
ON Cleveland:
It is really hard to be a loyal Cleveland sports fan. I hate us being the character in the story line that we inevitably become season after season. Even in the games where we are supposed to get excited about now - I cant help but see the rest of the story line play out before me. At half-time this week of the Browns game - I already knew we were going to lose. Even though no one else did, why? because we're Cleveland.
True - we have Ohio State Football, but I can already feel the Michigan upset in the air.
I hate becoming emotionally invested in this shit, but every year I still end up being shocked that we dont walk away the victor. I have only once not been let down, 2002 Buckeyes, and I never actually expected to win that one. We were'nt as good of a team as Miami.
So many Browns and Indians teams should have gone all the way over the years, and yet - here I sit in Cleveland. The Browns have more all around talent than most any team in the NFL - yet, without any semblance of an offensive line I remain a Cleveland sports fan.
I am bitter, and overworked - and looking for a win.
ON ART:
I need a drink. I forgot how hard it was to make this shit pallatable. I loathe the way we, as artists, have to kiss ass and lie to make the lights come up. I also hate how every one else working on a show seems to be an imposition on the work I'm doing rather that an aid. For god's sake - just let be do my bad british dialect, and get out of my way.
In the mean time- The Pickle comtinues to grow. I continue to become salty, and The Wife tolerates me less and less.
Good Times.
Pickle's Papa
21:15 Posted in Pickle Ponderings | Permalink | Comments (6) | Email this
09/12/2006
Theory vs. Practice
So I had this whole parenting thing pretty much worked out when it was all I had to do, think about, and take the time to climb up on my soap box about.
I am now running around from rehearsal to meetings, memorizing a book, and building a strategic plan for a program from scratch while I am supposed to maintain this idealistic super-parent plan that I hypothesized about when I was still human.
See, nowadays I’m lucky if I have the time or patience to recognize that I have a daughter – let alone analyze the best practice scenario of how I should rear her.
Several weeks ago I knew exactly how and what I was going to guide The Pickle through the landmine filled path that is her development. Today I am wondering if I am going to be able to recognize barbed wire from a building block.
I have always been a very effective multi-tasker, but I know that no matter how you look at it parenthood isn’t something you can schedule in. It is a 24 hour a day job that requires your full focus and cognitive ability in an unpredictable and inconvenient time-frame.
I have another week of full-time rehearsal before we go into performance, and I am just trying to make it to opening without completely undermining all of the work I put into my relationship with, and understanding, of my daughter.
Every day I feel further and further removed from the intuition which once guided my care of her. I knew from morning until night what she needed when, and why she was doing what she was doing.
Today I come home and look at her as a new and growing mystery from which I have somehow lost the key. I know that this is a norm, but it is a new one for me. I suppose I, like everyone else in the world, wanted to share every moment of growth and wonder living through the eyes of my child.
She is beginning the path of separation. I know it is nothing compared to her leaving for college, but it my first taste of knowing she is a person all on her own – and it’s not the easiest idea to accept.
I want to see every moment of discovery, every fall to comfort, and every dream to help build – because I need all of those things from her too.
Pickle’s Papa
12:20 Posted in Pickle Ponderings | Permalink | Comments (8) | Email this
09/04/2006
Working Life
OK. I may not be blogging as much as I used to. This whole employment thing is really putting a damper on my free time.
It is amazing the amount of work I’ve already had to do just to get my office in a position to functionally accomplish work in here again. I once ran a company from my home office, but that was a while ago, and the physical needs of going to grad school vs. running a business are significantly different.
I have spent the last four days cleaning, re-organizing, and throwing away more nostalgia from my previous incarnation that I just no longer have the room to keep. I really let this place go to hell.
I dusted about an hour ago and I still haven’t stopped sneezing.
I have also gone through and created a whole new electronic system of organization that is quite impressive including a weekly work log and year calendar with all significant dates already denoted.
You’d almost think I was organized if you came in here.
At the moment I am genuinely looking forward to winter – as my office is in the loft, and I am sweating my *alls off. It is only in the mid-seventies. Good thing this is usually the most comfortable room in the house in winter.
So we’ve been looking into daycare, and wow, is that unreasonable. It seems as though infant caregivers require that you sign up for full-time care regardless of your actual need. We have a pretty good daycare center at the end of our street, yet they would want us to pay for a full week’s care even though we would only want to put her in 2-4 days a week on a varying need base.
Even on the days she would need to go in it would usually only be for 5 hours or so. I think they’ve got a racket goin’ on.
I don’t know.
Anyway, I thought I should let you all know that my postings will be slim for the next couple of weeks as I am in full-time rehearsals during the day, and scheduling every possible groundwork meeting around that I can.
I am busy. Pickle is happy and the wife is enjoying a four day weekend.
I will be brilliant again soon.
Pickle’s Papa
13:04 Posted in Pickle Ponderings | Permalink | Comments (5) | Email this