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08/30/2006
Childcare
Or how to pull a babysitter out of your ass in three easy steps.
One of the major things that has happened with me getting not just one job, but two - is an overwhelming need for Picklesitting. This also occurs when the Mother-In Law is on hiatus visiting the wife's sister in Seattle (yes, Zero Boss that bitter tension in the air is probably not a coincidence).
So here I am having to beg favors from any reliable source. I have even gone so far as to ship my mother in for a couple of days - having her bail on her adopted library kids. It is pretty desperate here.
I have been so preoccuied with the issue of finding childcare over the last couple of days that I haven't had to emotionally prepare myself for the actual moment of driving away from the drop off without her.
I have not felt this good about myself since I landed the 6 foot Romanian girl who didn't speak English on St. Patricks Day in 1999 when I was so drunk I couldn't speak English, but this morning as I got in the car . . .
That sucked.
I don't like crying. It's not a good look for me - especially at red lights, but there I sat feeling like I had abandoned my child to the wolves. In all actuality I left her with Mya's Mommy whom many of you have read enough about to know is completely trustworthy.
Didn't matter. I cannot recall feeling simultaeously so proud and ashamed of myself for one single act of going to work. I have to admit that I have not been able to ignore all of the subtle and sometimes not so subtle opinions of those who felt that I should be the one earning a paycheck. I kept feeling like once I went to work - it would show them that I was capable too.
In all actuality I feel very much like I've turned my back on all of the issues that I have come to feel so passionately about. I feel as though not only am I abandoning my child, but I am also turning my back on the validity of what I have been doing for the last seven months.
I do believe that having at least one parent stay at home with an infant is an invaluable asset to the development of a child. I think a father can play that role just as well as a mother, but unfortunately it is an asset that we cannot afford. I somehow feel that my going to work is an insult or degradation of the role and value of a stay-at-home-dad because in going to work I have walked away from my job.
I knew this day was coming but I don't think I knew how hard it was going to be to do the job - how hard it would be to deal with the insecurities it brought, and now to walk away from it. In the build up over the past couple weeks to getting work, I didn't think through one vital element - in getting these jobs I would actually have to quit the one I was doing.
One of my flaws is that I am never satisfied with the work of others. I am now passing off the care of my child to someone else, or rather, several someone elses, who I know will not put the same love and dedication into satisfying the lovely angel that is The Pickle. I dont want to leave my old job.
This is not easy, and as happy as I am that I have the work I do - I cannot help but wish I could clone myself to still spend my days with the little girl I have come to know and love.
Pickle's Papa
18:58 Posted in Pickle Perdicaments | Permalink | Comments (7) | Email this
Comments
Understood. We made it through today. With the exception of a little meltdown, (which we anticipated) I think that she had fun. And yes, I know that it doesn't make it any better.
Posted by: Mya's Mommy | 08/30/2006
Congrats on the jobs! And since y'all are coming to visit, Greg and I are officially offering to take care of Lucy one night so you guys can go have a romantic NYC date. I can get you a reservation at my restaurant if you want.
Not that all that makes leaving Her Pickleness any easier, but dates are always nice :)
Posted by: Jen | 08/30/2006
I feel your pain. We have been trying, off and on, for the past three years to make ends meet on one salary and have not gotten it right yet.
The worst is when you drop the imps off at daycare and they wail and start tearing their clothes and proclaiming they do not have parents. You feel like driving straight into, then through, the brick wall that is the outside of the office where your boss, that prick, sits and plans on a daily basis to not give you that raise....
Then you go and pick up the kids at night and they scream and wail and tear their clothes proclaiming that you are not their parents because you are taking them away from their toys/friends.
I have determined that this is good experience for the upcoming teen years.
Another cheerful thought...
Posted by: dennis | 08/31/2006
Pickle is a lucky & lovely little thing... We all feel your pain.
Posted by: CrankMama | 08/31/2006
When pickles older, i will tell her how you trecked to work daily with her in your arms, until she was in preschool
Posted by: mya's daddy | 09/01/2006
congratulations on the job to begin with...
and hey.. we all feel your pain. I guess we have out compulsions and our decisions to make and then live with. I might later regret on all this stay at home business... already most of my colleagues are top television anchors while I am busy typing away in my little blog. but hey... as parents we do the best we can by our children.. the worst you can do to them is feel guilty... so go to work, leave her in safe childcare... and be proud of yourself and of her for being such a big good girl.
Posted by: the mad momma | 09/01/2006
That childcare thing is tough - even with family.
That's why I need a robot.
Posted by: Tony | 09/02/2006