. . . and then there was pickle.

While many of you are reading this I am going to be at my first real job interview. I’ve actually had one other interview, but this is for the first opportunity that I actually want to get the job.

I am nervous.

This was the plan as The Wife and I drew it up: I was going to stay at home and take care of The Pickle while I finished school, and try to find employment when she reached the six month marker because that was the point we thought we would feel comfortable letting her begin some day care.

This would be that point when I need to find a job, and I am all kinds of conflicted on this.

The good news is that if I get this gig it would be a great deal of work from home, and work that I have done and enjoy doing with little supervision. All things good for my well-being.

The issue is that I don’t want to leave my baby. It is difficult to gear up for an interview that, as much as I want the job, would be very happy being told that I get to stay at home until the next opportunity arises – which isn’t very often.

The problem is that this could be a great job . . . but the kid in me loves the frosted side.

Now I’m just being redundant, but I cant get over the feeling like it’s a lose/lose situation. If I get the job I will probably lose three days a week with The Pickle; however, if I don’t . . . we wont be able to eat or pay our mortgage.

See, its really a very tricky balance.

I am beginning the process of preparing myself for having to leave The Pickle. I don’t like it, and I don’t want to do it – but I know it is an inevitability. If it isn’t this job it will be another, and perhaps one I wont want to do.

I guess the biggest issue is that I am actually having to come to terms with the fact that one way or another I am going to be rejoining the workforce.

I cant imagine The Pickle spending a whole day without either The Wife or me there as the problem solver in the moment to moment issues that arise throughout the day.

We are lucky in that the MIL is near enough to take up some of the slack, but the truth is that she will soon spend her first day in day care.

I don’t know which aspect of this will make me feel like more of a failure: if I am not good enough to get the job, or that I abandon my child.

I seem to have a very positive attitude about the whole thing.

I am feeling very insecure about the whole process, and have that horrible child sensation of wanting to throw a temper tantrum scream and cry running to my room yelling, “I don’t want to!!”

I almost wish that the job weren’t so perfect for me and my situation. I honestly don’t think that I thought an opportunity would arise that I would get excited about the work . . . but here it is, and I am caught between the decision of which selfish act is in my better interest.

My brain wasn’t designed for compromise. I could never make it in politics, and parenthood is turning out to be a real challenge . . . who’d a thought?

Pickle’s Papa