. . . and then there was pickle.

OK. So when did it become all right for straight men to own exfoliating soap, squeeze fruit in public, and color co-ordinate shoes, belt and slacks? (and yes I said slacks)

My Father’s Day post got me thinking not only of the changing roles of father, but the changing role of men in our society, and I’m not talking about the standard metrosexual model chasing single. I’m talking functional husband, father, goes to work guy.

I now travel in a circle of men that ten years ago I woulda pegged every one of as a closet fag – even with the front-carriers and wedding bands (maybe especially because of the front-carriers).

Now, I know homosexuality.

Wait . . . that didn’t come out right. I have both a music and a theatre degree hanging on the wall. See, that’s so much better, and yet it says the same thing.

Somehow, in all of my exposure/submersion in homosexual culture, I don’t think that my well-tuned ‘gaydar’ could judge the regular daily behavior of most men now.

I don’t know when this happened, but I think someone came in the night and stole all of our penises. I don’t want to scare you, but ‘Married With Children’ was once reality TV.

I am not saying that we don’t still love the ‘pun-tang’ as they say, but somewhere along the way we stopped thinking that a Camaro was the way to go if we wanted a girl to act like she’s drunk enough to sleep with us. We still watch sports and drink beer, but we are now pro-active in finding the coasters and can actually taste the difference between Budweiser and Sam Adams.

And - OH, MY JESUS!!! If I see another man burst into tears on television (especially that fuckin’ Dick Vermeil ) I think my testicles will shrivel up and die – just as a matter of principle.

(Ryan . . . hey, Ryan. Put down the cell phone, and the copy of US magazine - he was a football coach that burst into tears at every press conference)

Now, I am not some machismo uber-guy. I have my fake Pradas and Burts Bees men’s line products lining the cabinetry – but I just don’t know how we lost our edge. Yes, that’s right . . . I said it.

We used to be in a position of authority by being able to act stupid, and strong – nowadays we publicly admit that we mix brown sugar and coriander seed on a Turkey broil. . . . . . . . and no woman is going to respect that.

If anything she may end up being as threatened as Lee Iococca was when his first female executive looked at him and said, “no, sir, the cars really do suck.”

We had an identity. We held a strong negotiating position, by refusing to acknowledge that we were actually capable of recognizing other perspectives and the emotional impact of our actions.

Damn you, Kermit The Frog!!! If only you wouldn’t have tipped the emotional cards by letting them know about that . . . being green thing. . .

My big point is that now that we’ve acknowledged that we have emotions and are capable of aesthetic and social judgment – we really need to establish a new set of parameters for what we are as a group – because otherwise we will continue to infringe on ‘the feminine’ and begin to step on the toes of those “estrogen rockettes” who are intimidated by our “natural heat.”

I am certain that on some primal level this is occurring because we are recognizing the true ways in which a man now provides for a family, and that in the same way that the Camaro was a symbol of stability and success a generation ago the Segway is today. I’m just fuckin’ with you on that one, a Segway is just a cry for help – but you know what I mean.

We will always change and adapt for the simple reason of ‘pickin’ up chicks’, and these new trends would not have continued if the ladies didn’t encourage it . . . you know what I’m sayin. And for those of us that are married with kids – it has now become a general part of what we do to create a sense of security and value to our existence and ego.

This ‘feminine’ has always been a part of what we are, but now the expression of it shows our success. Like the fops of the renaissance the successful male of today is again plucked and perfumed, and shopping and Crate and Barrel to show off the wonderful plume of his peacockdom.

The key is that we have got to find the thread that gives us an identity that simultaneously bonds us together while giving the opposite sex a sense of security in their femininity – that we’re not coming to steal what they are. I don’t think that we can become an androgynous race of people. There are way too many chemical differences between us; however, I do think that our sexuality needs to find a way to be tied to us in a non-role based way.

What I’m saying is that - I am the mom in my house by the last generation’s perspective. I do not want my daughter to see that caregiver role, or any other behavioral aspect of my persona as the key defining features of the opposing sex. We all know that our relationships with the opposite sex are based on the examples and relationships we have with our parents.

It is what we learn as right, at least to start with. I want The Pickle to see men as people first – without all of the assumptions and baggage that I know I have toward women and men.

I am not completely sure as to how to do that yet, but I’m going sit back, have a facial, a half-caff non-fat caramel latte, and read Better Housekeeping to think about it.

Pickle’s Papa