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06/16/2006
My First Father's Day
I just don’t know how to feel about this whole refection on fatherhood thing.
My world is all kindsof upside down from the one I grew up in. On Father’s Day we are to celebrate fatherdom, but what is that? What is a father?
Because I’ll tell you, the things I am most proud of - and do on a regular basis to support this family were all ‘mom’s jobs’ when I was a kid. Does that make me less of a father?
I doubt it, but it does make me struggle to create an identity for what I am.
I do the laundry. I keep the house immaculate. Do the dishes. Change all day-time diapers. Feed and keep the baby alive and happy while my wife is at work.
I have a penis. There is even proof of this fact now, without a public display. And yet to a vast majority of the public, what it is that they celebrate on Father’s Day - has nothing to do with the general role I play.
Yes, I will be a guiding factor in my child’s life – but the way our family’s roles have played out does not fit the traditional mold. It isn’t like we are going out of our way to prove some sociological point. Necessity is the mother of invention – unless she makes more money, and then dad will have to do it. . . but nowhere near as well as a woman could - according to the general unspoken reaction to our situation.
I cannot tell you how many women have given me the suspicious up and down gaze or just been outright rude in conversation about the role I play. I have had a woman standing next to me – refuse to look at me when discussing a neighborhood play group because my wife was standing there, and obviously I wasn’t worth exchanging information with – even after I stated my role. . . would not talk to me because I’m not a mommy.
Well the truth is, I’m a hell of a lot closer to being a mommy in her definition than I am to being a daddy.
And it goes both ways. The wife is always getting flack (or even just dirty looks) from women for going back to work so soon (four weeks PP), and there are always the questions and comments that drive right to the point.
When my mother was here on Tuesday she asked, “so when you go back to work, is The Wife going to be able to stay at home?” Now that may seem like a harmless question, but when you’re up to your ears already in suspicion and social condemnation all you see is that no one believes in you. It completely devalues what we both are already struggling to try to do - by saying there is a ‘better’ way to do it.
If I were The Wife my mother probably would have asked, “So is The Husband looking for a better job so you don’t have to go back to work?”
Why can’t we just act as a cohesive team in fulfilling all of the needed tasks to ensure the sustenance of our family? There is no way that I will be able to make the same amount of money my wife can making more Americans with her law degree as I will in arts management. So why is the burden of finance put on ‘Father’?
Parenthood is hard enough when you are in roles that have established support systems. The Wife tried to find a support group for new moms through our health care provider, and they have three weekly meetings, none in the evenings or weekends. There is no organized stay-at-home dad play-group in all of Cleveland.
Sometimes it feels as though the world is actually working against you.
Is it so unfuckingbelieveable that a man could care for and nurture a baby and child? Or that a woman can earn a livable wage?
Because I grew up in this society - I spend most days not feeling very much like a father. I feel more like a mother because of the role I play.
We all draw up an image of Father when we say the word. . . Maybe it’s not so simple.
There is a Buddhist saying, “fishermen employ nets to catch fish, and once the fish are caught they disregard the nets. Men employ words to capture feelings, and yet once the ideas are found - men cling to the words.”
The word ‘Father’ has a built up connotation that no longer captures the essence of what I am to my daughter and to this family. Nor do I think ‘Mother’ comes close to what The Wife has become.
These words like all others are constantly being re-defined, and The Father that I am and will become will be defined through the eyes of The Pickle, and that is what I need to remember and stay focused on – because she doesn’t know its wrong for Papa to do the laundry. She just knows I do it because I love her. . . and that is what I want to celebrate with my fatherhood and My First Father's Day.
Pickle’s Papa
12:39 Posted in Pickle Ponderings | Permalink | Comments (13) | Email this
Comments
...and I thought you just wanted a snowblower! You and "The Wife" are pickle's caregivers and if others don't like the situation, including me, because we are not used to the reality of it...it is really too bad for us! Isle of View!
Posted by: Mom | 06/16/2006
I was reading "The Mask of Motherhood" recently, and it discussed how the terms "to father" and "to mother" bring up very different images and feelings. Fathering a child has always meant the mere biological act, but I'm so heartened to find so many men who are changing that paradigm.
My husband has taken a year off so he can stay home with us and we can enjoy Spudly's first year together. For some reason, this doesnt get the reaction that you've been getting as the stay-at-home parent. Maybe its okay for a guy to stay home if the woman is also there? Maybe to society the gender roles appear to still be maintained where both parents are the primary caregivers? In our case, apart from the biologically necessary ones like breastfeeding, the roles are fairly interchangeable.
I'm sorry you get so much flack for being the primary caregiver. It sounds like the S-A-H-D is pretty much invisible, which is very sad indeed. (No pun intended).
Why not try to start your own Dad's Playgroup? You cant possibly be the only one in Cleveland.
Posted by: Panda | 06/16/2006
Wait...what?... you keep an immaculate house?
You didn't get the At-Home-Dad "Domestic Duties Responsibilty" memo?
It clearly states:
"when Dad stays at-home to care for the children, domestic duties (as defined in Section 2A: dishes, laundry, vacumming, windows, etc) becomes the responsibilty of No One."
Keep the expectations low my friend.
There were days when I felt like I had three heads, the way moms looked at me. After a while they realized I'm here for the long haul and started including me in conversations. Then they started looking forward to me being around since their own husbands travel, work ridiculous hours, etc. And their kids like playing with a guy-- a little more rough and tumble.
Give it time. It gets better.
Happy At-Home-Dad's Day.
Posted by: The Bean's Dad | 06/16/2006
Hey Panda-
Why do you gotta point out the obvious? Sure . . . I could start my own playgroup, but then I wouldn't have anything to complain about.
p.s. if you asked my wife for our address to send me a rake and a dustpan - I will so be signing your e-mail address up for every known spam in the universe.
Posted by: Pickle's Papa | 06/16/2006
this sounds SO familiar. But believe me, it's worth it. My decision to spend two years as a SAHD with my daughter (who is now 15) is one of the best decisions I've ever made, I don't regret it. My only regret, in fact, is that I couldn't have stayed at home longer, or been a SAHD when my son was born.
As for the whole gender expectations thing, also sounds very familiar. For some reason, dads caring for babies full time pushes buttons for some people. It can be annoying, but the up-side of being with baby more than makes up for the annoyances.
Anyway, I've already blogged a lot about these issues so I'll stop now...
PS Happy Father's Day!
Posted by: chip | 06/17/2006
We'll start our own damn group! I mean, sure I'm a mom not a dad but I've been to some of those mom groups. I'd rather hang out with the dads.
Posted by: Mya's Mommy | 06/17/2006
You saucy harlot. I'm tellin' Mya's Mommy's Man.
Posted by: Pickle's Papa | 06/17/2006
Wow... great post, Pickle's Papa! My wife and I split our duties with Chunk, so although I can't quite claim to be a "stay-at-home-dad" I can say I've gotten some weird, sometimes flat-out negative looks at local parks and malls. Since my wife assures me the slobbering is hardly noticeable, I can only think that it's due to some of the same issues you're discussing.
Not to get all psychological about this stuff, but usually when people act negatively towards someone they don't know, it's due to an insecurity on their own part. In a lot of ways, I think some moms have an issue with S-A-H-Ds simply because it's "their territory." Pretty silly, huh? But, then, you already knew it was dumb.
I know I'd love to have another parent to walk with while I'm taking Chunk out to roam the neighborhood in his stroller. But, I also know I wouldn't want to spend much time with someone who would jump to such negative conclusions about me just because of my gender.
Great blog, Papa! Thanks for sharing your link with me!
Posted by: Denver Dad | 06/17/2006
ROFLMAO!
You have no idea how hard it is to wrap a rake.
Posted by: Panda | 06/18/2006
Happy Father's Day, Pickle's Papa! Hope you had a great one!
Posted by: MetroDad | 06/19/2006
You are thoroughly excellent PARENTS I can hear in all this. Gender sucks! I am glad there are 5 to choose from, and no, don't ask me where I read that.
You are actually superhuman parents if you have your child appreciating things like the laundry services you provide. I think you should WRITE a book on how to pull that off.
Posted by: mo-wo | 06/20/2006
I just found your site through MetroDad. It's a great read. I am a mom who stays at home with the kidlet. But, my dad stayed home with me. In the 80's. Before there was a debate, I think. No harm came to me because of him being the one home with me (other than the hair cuts). It did, however, make me appreciate the fact that sex doesn't dictate responsibilities or roles. That's a head start your little Pickle will have. She won't have preconceived notions. She'll be able to do what works for her. And that's a heck of a head start.
Posted by: Daren | 06/20/2006
I am so with you! And I am so tired of reinforcing that point despite being a stay at home mom with an almost full time job. I work with at least 4 magazines... SAHM or SAHD or anything at all... people just hang on to their prejudices for dear life... I just read a whole bunch of your posts and enjoyed them. I am blogrolling you and I shall keep coming back for more...
Posted by: the mad momma | 06/30/2006
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